at times i didn’t know what was happening. I just internalized so much pain and chaos
and struck myself with it.
i ran with my head down in the pouring rain, deep midnight agony, crying for open doors,
whaling for what I couldn’t name but knew I needed.
now i see the world in new ways, the trauma, the interconnected lines on this graph paper. the graphic novel and the credits and the seashore every time. and i see patterns, I see what overstimulation looks like on the sunny cold days where you only know half way through that the jacket is disastrous and too warm. I see what’s happening. the world is always on for a reason.
I still cry for open doors. i’m still knocking. I’m still often dismayed by what I’m met with. I look back and I see suffering and i look right now and I see suffering. there is what has not changed. there is what should not be but is. and i am also celebrating what I have noticed. this change, this growth – this different than what it was. it’s hopeful. i need that. we need that.